I said I would avoid writing about this, because at this point it’s like pouring multiple bags of Morton salt into between-the-fingers paper cuts, but I cannot restrain myself. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is certifiable. Not in the kooky, idiosyncratic “Oh, Jeff’s eating crayons again” certifiable, but “somebody please lock this man away before he harms anyone else” certifiable.
Loria’s evil exploits have been well documented on this blog, but he appears to have outdone himself with his latest series of head-scratchers. Immediately after nearly being no-hit by my Atlanta Braves on Sunday, the Marlins (Loria) announced that they had fired manager Mike Redmond.
Panic button: engaged. With the season only in its second month, it makes you wonder what would have happened if Braves pitcher Shelby Miller actually completed the no-hitter. Terrifying.
Not to be trumped by his own delirium and poor decision-making, Loria then provided the coup de grâce: he hired General Manager Dan Jennings as the Marlins’ new head skipper. No one else was interviewed. No one else was considered. A day after Loria’s kneejerk firing of Redmond, he had is new man in the dugout. The problem? Dan Jennings is not a coach. His only managerial stint was a high school team in the eighties. The announcement was so inexplicable that Jennings’ own mother questioned it.
This man must be stopped. The fans that still show up to Marlins games must be suffering some kind of Stockholm syndrome, because it’s become blindingly apparent that the captain of this ship is hell-bent on running it aground. You can’t fault them—as I’m extremely familiar, once you choose your sports allegiances, they have a tendency to stick—but they deserve so much better.
To add a facepalm-worthy cherry to this entire ordeal, Loria fittingly finished it with a pun: “We’re supposed to be the Fish. The Marlins. We shouldn’t be the Flounders.”
Newly-minted MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred needs to jump into action, because Jeffrey Loria is ruining the Marlins franchise. Will that happen? Of course not—but the thought of him piling into his clown car and driving off into the sunset is one that at least provides a bit of comfort.
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